RED NECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

richard fairnie — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 12:39:46 GMT

Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines. Leave a note on your door that reads: “Bubba, Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but ...

Company Christmas Party

janelle — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 05:59:43 GMT

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 1, 2009 RE: Gala Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will ...

Aberdonian Xmas

true_blue_piper — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 22:20:16 GMT

An Aberdonian man calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Franticly, the son calls his ...

A real dog

Werepiper — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 10:13:51 GMT

Lets get some one liners going

Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?

A: Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg

Dumbed down exams

Gordy88 — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:41:15 GMT

I don't want to start about how thick some of todays students are, but a few of these exam answers are quite amusing http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1229099/Revealed-The-student-howlers-dumbed-exams-pupils.html ta

Epistle to God

true_blue_piper — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 22:46:26 GMT

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he ...

The Aliens finally arrive.......

true_blue_piper — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 22:02:44 GMT

[size=18]Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was ...

Excuse Me Your Holiness

richard fairnie — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:21:59 GMT

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, " they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, ...

Debra or Jack ?

true_blue_piper — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 06:16:25 GMT

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but ...

Thomas The Tank Engine

true_blue_piper — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 23:10:23 GMT

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you ...

Not for Robbie...;over 21s only

true_blue_piper — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 12:10:18 GMT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8S9vUt5M0iE

Gately's Deid....what a bummer.

true_blue_piper — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 03:23:50 GMT

George Michael has been arrested over the death of Stephen Gately who was found with a chocolate bar up his arse. Police say it was a careless Wispa. _______________________________________________________________________________ Stephen Gately died of a rare form of bird-flu, his husband said 'Its ironic. anyone who knew him, knew he hated birds, although he was fond of a cockatoo' _______________________________________________________________________________ What's pink and goes ...

Be Brave!!!!!!!!!

Redneck — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 14:42:02 GMT

This prisoner escapes after 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her , kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen ...

Holy Prostitutes

richard fairnie — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 12:30:31 GMT

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST.. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. ...

As I mature

Gordy88 — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 10:52:36 GMT

As I Mature *********** I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes, After that you better have a huge schlong. I've learned that you ...

Smile for the day

true_blue_piper — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 09:24:03 GMT

My lesbian neighbours gave me a lovely Rolex for my birthday.

They must have misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch".....

An Irishman goes for a Job.

Piper_06 — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 20:22:27 GMT

An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.

The foreman says, "Can you brew tea?"

The Irishman says, "Yes."

"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"

The Irishman looks at him and says,

"Just how bloody big is the teapot?"

heres a good 1 I was sent via email

scots wa hae — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 20:49:39 GMT

I was drinking a cuppa coffee and nearly choked on this one..... Any one with Irish blood in them...please do not take offence! Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math’s test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dat’s easy." And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Have ...

Fragrante Delicto

true_blue_piper — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 06:31:02 GMT

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And ...

An oldy but a goody - for some

Werepiper — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 08:14:11 GMT

Drum Major: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound Faster than a speeding bullet More powerful than a locomotive Walks on Water Talks to God Pipers: Leap small buildings with a run-up Are crack shots Pull railway carriages Ford rivers Listen to God Side Drummers: Vault over fences Are allowed their own sidearms Can read a railway timetable Know how to put on fishing galoshes Believe in God Tenor Drummers: Can open and walk through a door Know which is the dangerous ...

True Aussie Friendship......

true_blue_piper — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 02:14:42 GMT

True Friendship... "Aussie Style" (None of that Sissy Crap) Are you tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the ******* who made you sad. 2. ...

Susan Boyle

true_blue_piper — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 07:05:43 GMT

Since Scottish singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings. Apparently, a lot of the terrorists didn't realise what a virgin looks like. or....as a colleague at work just said, "Amazing isn't it, they can put a man on the moon but they can't put a man on Sarah Boyle..."

Prayer for Those Having a Bad day

true_blue_piper — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 03:07:10 GMT

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch. Amen.

Difference between Swine Flu and Bird Flu

Piper_06 — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 16:23:45 GMT

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment

They will keep coming until you start posting!

Arthritis (for adults only)

stormy — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 22:02:18 GMT

Guy is going down on this woman and mentions to her the terrible smell in that area!
Aye, she says, that'll be ma arthritis.
Arthritis down there? he says.
Naw, in ma shooders she says.

A canny wipe ma arse!!!!!

A Stimulus Story

true_blue_piper — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 03:56:00 GMT

Subject: A Stimulus Story It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea . It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town. He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one. The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher. ...

Scottish Humour

pipingconnections — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 16:53:29 GMT

Scottish Humour Scottish Humour . . . >>>> >>>>The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length >>>>looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, >>>>middle-aged, English woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, >>>>may I have that seat?" >>>> >>>>The English woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, >>>>"Americans ...

Weegieville

true_blue_piper — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 02:07:21 GMT

Well this should get some people posting..... http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/glasgow_and_west/8194083.stm You know that saying "don't kill the messenger"? It's a good saying. I like life.

Jokes